what you think you know

We change our minds as we age, of course. Depending on experience, situation, circumstance. I know that and I'm usually glad for it. Understandable...sometimes even justifiable.

But I'm bothered when I notice someone saying or doing things they have expressly, unequivocally condemned --- often in the not-so-recent past --- because now it is convenient for them.

And I'm even more bothered when this someone is one of my dearest friends.

This is a friend, let's call her Sus, who railed against her girlfriends when they sneaked out to meet boyfriends but told their parents they were with Sus. Who couldn't understand how they could choose partners or do things their parents didn't quite approve of. Who got annoyed with girlfriends when they pined over someone or made a fool of themselves over him or were unable or unwilling to set boundaries. Who couldn't see what the rational thing to do was because they were blinded by emotion. Who advised them over and over to say no, to break it off, to set boundaries, dammit.

Then, she goes and does almost all of the above.

That is, she sneaks out and lies and pines and makes a fool of herself and doesn't set boundaries and is blinded by emotion and hasn't said no and hasn't broken it off and boundaries? What boundaries?

I am going to rationalize what I think is profoundly hypocritical behavior in the following manner: she didn't like being the excuse because she was jealous her best friend had met the love of her life and had forgotten Sus? And she only saw and said what was the "right" thing to do because she cared about her girlfriends?

But if I'm being honest, I think it's really because she is unable to empathize or be sympathetic when people are in self-inflicted emotional pain. And because she didn't think she would ever behave in such self-destructive or irrational ways as her girlfriends. Or because it's okay when she does it and none of her girlfriends have called her out on it.

I sincerely want her to be happy with whoever she wants to be with. And I'm perfectly aware that the things we do for men sometimes defy explanation. Like in her case. I just wish she weren't so damn judgmental about others.


And it's really made me change how I evaluate her opinion. Can't completely trust someone who will judge you and advise you one way but do exactly what you are doing herself... But what makes it even worse is... the lack of self-reflexivity. The fact that even after the fact, she doesn't see that she is doing just what she condemned in others, including you.

I thought I knew this friend, but am learning some discomforting things about her. I wonder if she is also learning discomforting things --- some about herself.

so, what ARE you, o woman, o geek?

Someone once asked me, "What are you? A woman or a geek?!" And my spontaneous (and indignant) response: Both!*

Why is this cliched binary the name of my blog? Because at that time, believing I was both, I refused to choose between the two. And because now, being unsure of what either means, I am unable to choose between the two. (And because both then and now people who find me attractive also find me incredibly weird.) And because this change is symbolic of much else: I began knowing and certain, and have ended up knowing more... but uncertain.

So, it seemed the most appropriate name for a blog that I've set up to basically vent and whine and reflect and revise the way I think through my life and my dissertation. Both of these are currently intertwined, marked by periods of confusion and self-doubt and uncertainty, and punctuated by precious moments of clarity and purpose and meaning. The former (and this blog) I hope to enjoy for a while; the latter, I hope to finish very soon.



*I had just told him I didn't particularly enjoy shopping, and that no, I didn't follow fashion and that er, yeah, I wasn't all that much into girlie stuff. "Seriously? Not even Victoria's Secret?", he'd asked. I could hear the grin in his voice. And I said no. Ok, so it wasn't exactly true; I have been known to spend time and money in that store. They have some nice stuff. But I didn't like that he was the kind of man who asked that out loud. And I didn't like being the sort of woman who got asked that to her face. So I just said no. Our dates fizzled out some months later. I liked him enough to be a weak-kneed klutz around him, flirt shamelessly, and worry about if he liked-me liked-me... but I didn't like him enough to overlook his lack of information about and interest in anything other than his job, Rihanna, and sex.

I thought of starting this blog because I used to like writing and hopefully this blog will help me remember why.

Well, actually, it's because I'm a grad student who should be finishing off her degree and is, instead, finding ways to procrastinate. Blogging is as good as any.